Musings at McDonald's

I’m sitting at McDonald’s waiting for the car’s semi-annual wash and detail. I’m trying to write, but without much success, for as far as I can tell the soundtrack playing above my head seems to intersperse “Do You Wanna MAKE LOVE or Do You Just Wanna FOOL AROUND?” in between other, perfectly reasonable songs. I’ll hear Journey sing “Faithfully,” or the perennially underrated Lou Rawls will croon “Lady Love,” and all will be right in the world, and then I’m suddenly back in college and trying to decide exactly where the fine line is between making love and fooling around, and exactly how many Long Island Iced Teas it will take at Harry Starker’s on the Country Club Plaza in Kansas City to get the date d’jour to consider the same question.

Oh, wait, the music just changed. Now they’re playing a medley of tunes…and I use that term metaphorically at best…by Bread. I wonder if I can poke out my brain with a spork?

(Sorry to interrupt, but the corporate lawyers at McDonald’s just called. They would have me remind you a spork must be handled with care in order to prevent injury, that the points are sharp, and that if you have questions about the use of the spork you should ask your wait staff for help, call our customer service number at 1-800-OK-SPORK (and rest assured that “spork” is pronounced the same in Bengali), or review the instructions found at www.bereallyreallyreallycarefulwithyourspork.com. If you have any concerns that are not addressed, DO NOT USE THE SPORK. They would also have me remind you that McDonald’s properties do not actually distribute the spork, but that this utensil is available to the public at Taco Bell, KFC, and other PepsiCo-owned entities, and that the McDonald’s corporation would be happy to provide support for your spork-induced injury suit against these dastardly PepsiCo corporate pirates who put their profit before your health and safety. After all, if they cared about you they’d spend the extra dime and get you a separate fork and spoon, right? Let’s get ‘em!)