Twinkies: The Retort

(A reader response to the March 14 post, "Intoxicating Twinkies. A new perspective on college girls, noted as "muffins" in the earlier entry, and on baked goods in general. Enjoy!)

Who Doesn’t Love Muffins?

I stand in defense of muffins everywhere. Face it. Men love muffins. They are cute, sweet, warm, and tasty! They are very hard to resist. I would like to clear up a few misconceptions about muffins.

A muffin is not a bimbo. A bimbo has nothing in her head. A muffin has a brain which she may or may not choose to use. The brain is a highly useful tool of the muffin. Muffins are known to use their brains to get things such as drinks, gifts, or higher grades. This is not to be confused with prostitution, because sex is not traded.

A muffin is not a slut. Sluts use sex to get male attention. Muffins do not need to use sex to get male attention. Just by being a muffin, male attention is often available. Muffins are frequently asked to be ‘trophy dates’ and attend events where the male wishes to make himself appear more virile.

A muffin cannot hold her liquor. Okay, this one could really go either way. Most muffins can freely imbibe and keep up with the men. However, as previously mentioned, a muffin may or may not choose to use her brain. And on occasion, a muffin may make the mistake of not using her brain and will end up on the wrong end of some Jagermeister shots and end up in the ED. Let’s face it, the men in the ED love to see a muffin come in so they can feel superior and remark how silly the muffin looks once she is powerless over them in her state of inebriation.

But alas, some people, no matter how much they love a muffin, may tire of muffins. The truth is muffins are great while they last, but everything has an expiration date. Muffins must eventually move away from muffin world and become a different dish, something more substantial or sophisticated. But men will always love muffins.