Twinkies Redux: Reader Mail

(My EMS colleague Mike Fulton, from waaaay back in my Gainesville days, chipped in with his own follow-up story of college mischief with fermeted beverages. So without further ado...)

Great stories Howard! I don't know if this is appropriate, but I have a favorite "muffin" story of my own.It is a story about a girl I picked up in the bathroom at Nichols Alley, late one Saturday night. She was attended by three young men that were more interested in gaining possession of her purse, than her current state (or non-state) of consciousness. Upon intense questioning, they finally admitted that it was possible…that maybe… she just might…. have taken a Quaalude.

We put her on the stretcher and took her out the unit with the boys in tow. Once she was loaded, I jumped in and closed the doors. She suddenly awoke, sat up and threw an arm around me and said, “Take me to the bathroom and then we’ll make out.” I thought she has just gone back in time 30 minutes and responded with my usual line, “My name is Michael, I’m a paramedic and I’m here to help you. You are going to the hospital.” She looked around and said, “OK, give me a bed pan, and then we’ll make out.” I told her we would be at the hospital in three minutes, and she did not want to sit on a bedpan in front of a strange man.

Then the young men knocked on the door and requested that I give them her purse. It seems they had all ridden with her and were really after her car keys. I responded. “You boys were up to no good tonight. You had a plan didn’t you?!” Silence. I told them to contemplate their karma on their long walk home...

We pulled out of the parking lot, and this 100 lbs girl cut loose with a volume of urine appropriate for a 250 lbs construction worker that had been drinking all day, and flooded my ambulance. She then heaved a big sigh of relief, and said, “NOW, we can make out.