Acuity Axioms

While I won’t claim to understand physics, I do appreciate the way mathematics is used as a constant, objective language to describe the universe. Therefore, you can understand why I’ve always been intrigued by ways in which human behaviors can objectively described by math. Until Hari Seldon comes along to develop the science of psychohistory, the world will simply have to limp along with my brief attempt at such an effort, a few musing which I have modestly termed Rodenberg’s Universal Laws of Inverse Acuity.

1) The severity of the presenting illness or injury is inversely proportional to the number of decibels generated by the patient in registering their discomfort or displeasure. If you’re able to exert that much effort at complaining, there can be very little going on sapping effort from your vigorous noisemaking.

2) The severity of the illness of any one family member is inversely proportional to the number of family members who have accompianied the patient to the emergency room, or to the number of family members to seen by the emergency physician for various medical problems during the same visit.

3) The severity of any one patient complaint is inversely proportional to the number of complaints exhibited by the patient at the triage window. If you are stable enough to think exhaustively about all the things wrong with you, there can be very little really wrong.

Nobel Prize nominations humbly, but gratefully, accepted. Thank you.