ED One-Liners

It’s seven AM and the morning crew is coming in. Jason Fawver (he of Gravity Storm fame) is trying to decide where to go for breakfast. After ample discussion and soul-searching, he opts for the “One-Legged Restaurant.” It turns out this is IHOP. And what’s the waitress’s name? Eileen, of course. And be sure to tip her.

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I’ve got a deaf patient with a leg injury, and I’m trying to get her to wiggle her toes so I can make sure all the nerves to the foot work okay. She can’t read lips and I can’t sign, so it’s becoming a more difficulty proposition by the moment. Finally I get the idea to take off my shoe and place my stockinged foot next to hers, demonstrating for her the desired action. The nurse working with me deadpans, “Good thing you’re not doing a pelvic exam.”

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The young adult make says he’s had rectal pain for the past three weeks. “And,” he notes,“ I’m getting pretty tired of this crap.”

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The ambulance is called out for an elderly man with Alzheimer's Disease complaining of chest pain. The overworked but nonetheless insightful nurse says, "Give him five minutes. He'll forget all about it."

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A man from the state mental hospital comes in becuase he's been...umm...inserting things into places they don't belong. Notably, a deodorant stick has made it's way up his back passage. Says the nurse, "I guess that mean his s..t doesn't stink."