Why I Didn't Blog Last Night

11:30 PM Leave ED to head home after evening shift. Fight urge to stop at Taco Bell due to sudden vision of non-roughage food items descending through aging GI tract coupled with fresh memories of colon cleansing infomercial seen last night. Take a moment to remember Gidget the Chihuahua. Wonder if Les Nessman still believes the dog is really called a chi-hoo-a-hoo-a. Sing WKRP theme song in head. Promise to look up lyrics to second verse online. Recall that turkeys don’t fly. Oh, the humanity of it all!

Midnight: In door, shoes off, leftover spaghetti in microwave. Acknowledge presence of cat. Continue to be gracious to cat as it follows me into kitchen. Introduce cat to science of aerodynamics as it jumps on kitchen counter.

12:17 AM: Spaghetti prepared. Bow placed next to laptop, which is now aglow with a steely blue stare and challenging me to write. Log onto blogspot.com. Think of interesting anecdotes, important issues, or response to news items to share with loyal readers who, as best I can tell, number me and my sister. Wonder if it would just be easier to call her.

12:35 AM: Got nothing. Log onto Fantasy Football site. Place waiver claims for Cardinals defense. Lament over the fact that in order to win, I have to pick against my own team. Rationalize selection of offensive stars working against Kansas City by saying that it’ll be a 56-48 game, with the Chiefs on top. Know that despite inside information and throwback jerseys featuring Buccaneer Bruce, still will not select the Tampa Bay defense.

12:53 AM: Recall amusing comment made to me by our ED pediatrician about patients and cellphones. Wonder if I could adapt it to my piece on new vital signs published earlier in the blog, with the amount of time you spend on the cellphone being an inverse measure of true emergency need.

1:06 AM: Nope, that didn’t work.

1:08 AM: No new emails, either.

1:10 AM: Or Facebook news.

1:12 AM: I have no friends.

1:15 AM: Look up from laptop to find cold spaghetti bowl being licked by cat.

1:30 AM: Fire up computer game in effort to relax and stir the creative juices for blogging. Recognize early that this is an excuse, as I ‘m really annoyed because I can’t break through the last mission of the Terran Campaign in StarCraft: Brood Wars. See, what’s happened is that the United Earth Directorate has come to clear this sector of the Zerg, a race of fanged and carapaced arachnids who know nothing but death and conquest. The UED has found the Psi Disrupter and the Zerg broods are in disarray. But the Overmind must be pacified in order to eliminate the threat to humanity. So I need to eliminate the three Cerebrates still loyal to the Overmind, each of which has a specific mode of defense, and then use medics to inject the Overmind with a powerful neuropoison. Hope that’s clear.

1:59 AM: Where did that Ultralisk come from? And forgot to save the game. Damn.

2:41 AM: Battlecrusiers kill Ultralisks. But now Battlecrusiers can’t target ground defenses…must be one of the unique Cerebrate defense modes… so my guys can’t get through to mine more crystals so I can build up my fleet. I should’ve read the hint book. But I have integrity.

3:10 AM: Red Zerg down. Brown and Orange to go. Fifteen fully upgraded Battlecrusiers armed with Yamato guns ought to do it.

4:30 AM: Success! The Zerg are destroyed, the sector preserved for humanity. We regret the loss of our brave comrades, but rejoice in their victory.

4:31 AM: Exit game. Look at time clock. It’s 4:31 in the freakin’ morning! How did that happen?

4:38 AM: Trying to get to sleep. Counting sheep fails because instead of numbers, sheep get names appropriate for their color of wool and overall personality. Mind wanders to humorous stories involving lonely individuals and companionate sheep. Laugh out loud. Cat looks puzzled.

4:42 AM: Angry. How many nights have I wasted with this game? And with the original StarCraft? Or Warcraft? Warcraft II? Warcraft III? Civilizaiton III? Civilization IV? The Warloards Expansion? Age of Empires? Age of Empires II? The Conquers Expansion? Age of Mythology? Age of Empires III? And that’s not even addressing all the television I’ve watched. My life is gone, the opportunity to make a difference in this world vanished like the temporary intimacy of a girl and a six-pack under the wrong circumstances. I wanted to be an astronaut, a United States Senator, a well-known author. Instead, all I have to show for my time on earth are some hollow victories on the “easy setting” and the unsettling knowledge that fourteen-year-old boys with no life experience are waaaaay better at these games than I am, and that when I am old these same children will be Congressional Staffers running the country.

4:48 AM: Reassure self that Starfleet Command II was never a waste of time.

4:51 AM: Under the covers, counting again. Wonder if ex-wife has anything in common with Zerg overmind. Thought recurs that that if I had avoided wasting my life, I really could’ve been a contender. But then would not know WKRP theme song. Trade seems fair. Nod to Pepys. “And so to bed.”